DVD of the week

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2015

Yes, you can construct your very own collection of the best VHS, laserdisc, and video cart releases. Week by week Mark's step-by-step guide will point you towards the best films on release to add to your own commemorative Burmese teak display unit (free in future issues - maybe).

Prevent space going to waste in your home with Wittertainment's DVD Of The Week. Cover your floors, walls, doors and windows with an ever expanding selection of video discs, hand-picked by our own Mark Kermode. Wave goodbye to annoying distractions like friends and natural light with this exquisite, all consuming movie collection.

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It's everyone's antiquated selection, DVD Of The Week. Bask in the warming glow of a stubborn refusal to move with the times. With it's enchanting selection of good old fashioned physical releases. You can't hold a digital stream in your arms! So throw out your tablet and adjust your tracking for the best possible viewing experience.

DVD Of The Week is the only film collection big enough to justify turning your children's bedroom into your very own home viewing suite. This ever-expanding partwork is just too exquisite for a simple shelving unit, and can only be housed in the kind of space currently taken up by your offspring and their junk. Impress your friends with a fashionable new movie room, safe in the knowledge that kids probably love to sleep in a tent, and the fresh air does them good.

No doubt you can still remember the very first film given to you by your grandfather. We remember ours, it was one of Mark's picks from the DVD of the Week collection. Getting that case open was tricky at first but then, well, you never forget that first viewing. Something arty, foreign and uncommonly difficult to sit through. Now we are all grown-up and we can give the DVD of the Week to our own little nippers.

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It sounds like science fiction, but modern thinkers believe nights spent staring at the wall may soon be a thing of the past. The dream of scientists for decades, DVD Of The Week brings the finest film productions directly into your home, all thanks to those eggheads over at Wittertainment. Utilising Dr Kermode's revolutionary algorithms, it's thought that this fine cinematic collection could one day be the centrepiece of every 'Home Of Tomorrow'.

These days, people would sooner toss a DVD straight into the bin than keep it in their house. Like lava lamps and elderly relatives, they're seen as outdated and unnecessary - but not to the good people at DVD Of The Week. These Guardians Of Home Cinema see the value in a good DVD, going to any lengths to rescue movies for our exquisite collection.

Leave the stress of everyday life behind and take a break with DVD Of The Week. To cleanse your body and spirit, watch Dr Mark's weekly selection and follow our simple breathing technique: in and out regularly, to avoid fainting. Don't forget to give your eyelids a break too - taping them to your forehead prevents blinking fatigue, and best of all you won't miss a thing!

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If you have courage, integrity and a cheque made out to Simon Mayo, you can join the DVD Of The Week Society! As a member of this prestigious club, you'll gain access to the finest home cinema selections (at your own considerable cost). Members will also enjoy the empty promise of a high-quality certificate, a nifty badge and a jar of Kermode-brand pomade.

As the nights draw in and the temperature drops, DVD Of The Week offers a welcome escape from the dreary outdoors. And once watched, Mark's specially selected movies make excellent fuel for a fun, family-style fire. Forget your troubles, cares and even your name with the relaxing warmth and noxious fumes of this exquisite and flammable collection.

DVD Of The Week provides good, old-fashioned home-entertainment, just like mum used to make. Enjoy a weekly delivery of delicious movie goodness, with our specially seasoned movie selections - each lovingly steamed in Kermode's signature hot air.

Hey Skinny - yer ribs are showin'! Go from puny to swoony with DVD Of The Week, Wittertainment's dynamic weight gain system. By simply sitting on the couch and watching film after film, you'll go from bloodless, pitiful shrimp to shapely, power-packed hero. Send for Mark Kermode's DVD Of The Week and every seven days, he can make you a head-to-toe He-Man!

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Stay flawless and fabulous with a regular dose of DVD Of The Week. Our specially selected films blast your skin with wrinkle-erasing light rays. Nature's mistakes are sealed under layers of irradiated nano-particles, giving you the luminous beauty of a Hollywood star! Say goodbye to genuine science and hello to confidence with this exquisite collection from Wittertainment.


The DVDs of the week for 2015 were:

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  • The Falling
  • Far from the Madding Crowd
  • Girlhood
  • The Dance of Reality
  • Zardoz
  • Catch Me Daddy
  • Mad Max: Fury Road
  • Grace of My Heart
  • Love Is All
  • Slow West
  • Song of the Sea
  • Under Milk Wood
  • Inside Out
  • By Our Selves
  • The Reflecting Skin
  • Mia Madre
  • Microbe et Gasoil

2016

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Be a shrinking violet no more, with DVD Of The Week. Our carefully selected films will help you build confidence and steal the spotlight at any social gathering! Simply wait for a topic you neither know nor care about, then loudly and decisively derail the conversation with your thoughts on the latest movie releases. Impress your peers with your commanding disregard for their own interests and opinions! It's a new year and a new better you with DVD Of The Week.

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"A balanced movie collection leads to a balanced emotional life." Thus says the Great Teacher, His Flappiness Dr. Kermode. At the Wittertainment Cinema Centre, we use the science of DVD Of The Week to readjust your Energy Cores through a regular dose of DVD releases. With minimal effort and considerable financial investment, you too can ascend the 78 levels of the Collector's Pyramid: the only path to an evenly-mounted shelf.

Wait out the End Times in style, with DVD Of The Week. Stock your survival bunker with this exquisite collection and provide months of entertainment for you and your family. Once watched, each DVD disc can be used as a blinding reflector against alien invaders, or as part of a shiny disguise to confuse robot overlords. Say “apocalypse, wow!” with DVD Of The Week – the essential collection for any discerning prepper.

Live vicariously through DVD of the Week. We can’t all have the ‘Mayo Life’ of a billionaire playboy, but by watching the films in our exquisite collection, you can get as close as you ever will to feeling the thrill of a meaningful existence. Drama, romance, and high-octane adventure – all the things absent from your own Quotidian drudgery are now just a clock away with this eclectic, wish-fulfilling compendium.

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Now listen up you greasers. When it comes to DVDs, Mark Kermode’s the high pillow in this town, and only a palooka would say any different. He’s the goose who knows the wire when it comes to DVD Of The Week, so when you see the flippers under that pompadour fingering a movie as marbles, you hurry your gams to the nearest movie joint and throw your geetus at that flick, see?

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a roaring fire, a bottle of wine and a brand new shelving unit - hand-built by your paramour to house your DVD Of The Week collection. Come Valentines Day, if you find yourself without a new shelving unit, perhaps it’s time to reconsider your options. Clearly your partner doesn’t understand you or your needs. Your mum was right about them after all. Move on… and move in with Wittertainment’s exquisite collection of DVDs.

I were no more than knee-high to a grasshopper when I would go out deliverin' DVD Of The Week. Old Mr. Collin were always sending me off on me bike wi’ copies of Hard To Be A God that no one wanted. Well, I knew he'd have a DVD in the player waiting for me when I got back. “There’s a Breugelian vision of society gone to hell in there, lad,” he’d say, clipping me round the ear. He did love to watch The Cobbler at the end of the day.

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Sent to Earth by his father from the dying World of Cine, it’s DVD Of The Week Man! Yes, the strange visitor from another, heavily bequiffed world, blessed with the power of a thousand video shop employees. His film recommending abilities are far beyond those of mortal men: faster than a Rotten Tomato, more powerful than Metacritic, able to gloss over the comedy genre in a single bound!

Well he's just one day away from his retirement, but unfortunate and improbable circumstance require Sergeant Review Man, a grizzled veteran who has seen it all, to not only take on just one more recommendation case but also to buddy up with a youthful and unorthodox partner, who has been forced upon him by his uncaring superiors at BHPD (the Broadcasting House Police Department).

It's Saint Felix's day today. That's right, film fans, the first Bishop of the East Angles, aka Felix of Burgundy, aka Felix of Dunwich, who died in 647 or 648 AD. The Venerable Bede praised Felix for delivering "all the province of East Anglia from long-standing unrighteousness and unhappiness". If he were alive today, he'd be delivering the province of Wittertania from sub-par releases and poor quality extras by recommending a DVD of the week. As we can't summon him, Mark Kermode will have to do instead.

This is Kerm-seal quick-drying DVD of the Week stain. You can’t miss it. It comes in a tin with ‘Kerm-seal quick drying DVD of the Week stain’ on it. It protects, and it’s rain-proof in about 30 minutes. Which means in about 30 minutes your DVD collection is protected and rainproof. So if you’ve got a DVD collection, and you want it protected quickly, use Kerm-seal quick drying DVD of the Week stain. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

Is your dog's coat looking dull? Try feeding it tuna, sardines, and salmon, brushing it regularly- and stir one tablespoon of Kermode's patented DVD of the Week oil into its food. It'll have a lovely (Michael) Sheen in no time, just like the witterhound Werner Herz-dog.

Weak? Limp? Lifeless? Is your Betamax collection looking dull and tired? Well your prayers have been answered. Your collection will be stronger, full of life and replenished with just one wash of DVD of the Week.

Collection looking tiny? Then have a little peek Because it's time - once again For DVD of the Week.

On Angelina Jolie Pitt And Hiroyuki Okiura Let Mr. Kermode give his thoughts He’s hangman, judge and juror.

Do you yearn for blemish-free skin? Do you desire a flawless complexion? Do you hanker after that special 'glow'? Then stop sitting around the house watching films. But until that happens, why not purchase a new one this coming Monday.

Is your cat a fickle little fella? Does your furry little ball of disdain turn its nose up at most food you put in front of it? The put it in a box in front of your DVD Of The Week collection, a beautiful part-work that builds into an exquisite cat-distracting arsenal.

OK you work-shy fops. You had your four-day week, now it's time to shape up and get back to work. That embossed oak cabinet won't build itself, you know - and your DVD Of The Week collection certainly won't organise itself into the Kermodian filing system (misplacing the DVDs and then claiming you never had them in the first place).

We've all been there: it's Friday night, you're about to hit the clubs and then - oh no! You remember the 8 onion bhajis you ate on the bus home from work. It's a bad breath disaster. But help is at hand. With DVD Of The Week your halitosis problems become a thing of the past, as you exchange a social life for watching films alone. Reclaim that confident swagger and breath easy with DVD Of The Week.

As the weather warms up, the mind of every British man and woman, and the more civilised of our colonial commoners, turns to his or her lawn. How to get those perfect stripes? How often should you mow? What edging technique is the most effective? Do you aerate? Well, pasty video lovers, why not shout a hearty "WHO CARES" to these questions from your stuffy and fetid indoor VHS hideyhole.

The secret to having young looking skin is simple, you need to be very young, but if it's pale skin you are after protect from direct sunlight by enclosing it in a house or flat and be sure to protect it from the luminous brilliance of your ever expanding DVD Of The Week collection.

Make a healthy and nutritious summer soup by throwing an old DVD of your choice into a blender, along with some quinoa, chia seeds, acai berries, a pint of bath water, a couple of apple cores and a bag of giblets*. To replace the DVD you've just ruined, you'll need a new one.

  • BBC regulations compel us to remind you that you shouldn't actually do this.

How do you get brighter whites without boil washing? That's right, you leave them outside until the death of the sun in eight billion years' time. Until then, you'll need an ever-expanding home cinema collection until the sun finally starts bloating into a red giant star, swallowing planets.

The Summer of Sport is in full swing. If you've been inspired to take part in some kind of sport or other, why not get those arms in shape by putting your ever-expanding DVD, Blu-ray, VHS, Laserdisc and Betamax collection in a couple of bin bags and do some bicep curls with them. Or if you're not keen on the sport, gaffer tape your DVDs together to form a protective wall between your TV screen and your eyes.

Is your broadband slow? Are you still 'dialling up' from a modem? Then forget streaming movies, madam. You need to watch your films the traditional way - on a piece of plastic inserted into a machine.

Do you feel the need to escape? A yearning to travel to distant lands far from these shores? Where waves lap gently in the distance and the sun magically lifts the stresses and strains of everyday life. Where a cooling breeze is as welcome as a frosty drink. Fat chance! You've got to stay here and pick a DVD Of The Week.

For babysoft skin, apply the rough end of a DVD case twice daily. When it slowly starts to penetrate the epidermis, that’s when you know that your skin will have that smooth, if slightly bloody feel that will make your friends so, so envious. Your DVD case will then be slightly crusty, so it’ll be time to replace it with yet another DVD. And if you were looking to purchase a DVD, Blu-ray, Betamax or Laserdisc this coming Monday, what would you pick? Mark Kermode is in fact 68 but doesn’t look a day over 53 because of this regime.

Do you have gold? An aunt's ugly necklace? A ring from a marriage long-ended? That bullion granddad brought home from the war? Well we want it! Wittertainment trade DVDs for gold! Send your old, boring gold to us and we'll send you an exciting new DVD of the Week. You won't miss that stupid yellow metal when you're sitting through one of Mark's riotously entertaining selections. So please, send us all the gold. You don't need it. Go on. Hand it over.

It's hot! Hot! HOT! this week. If you live miles away from the nearest beach, why not create your own seaside haven by grinding down your ever-expanding DVD collection into tiny sand-like grains, dumping it in your garden, spreading out a towel and kicking back with a few Pina Coladas, or failing that some room temperature Creme de Menthe left over form Christmas. You'll need a lot of DVDs though, so which one would you add, and which one will Dr. K recommend?

The DVDs of the week for 2016 so far are:

  • 45 Years
  • Love and Mercy (Technically this was actually a DVD of two weeks ago)
  • 99 Homes
  • Sicario
  • Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (alternatively titled Piranha Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death)
  • Crimson Peak
  • Kikujiro (chosen by Robbie Collin) and/or A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (chosen by David Morrissey)
  • Brooklyn
  • Mississippi Grind
  • Time Out of Mind
  • Carol
  • Bridge of Spies
  • Yakuza Apocalypse (chosen by Robbie Collin)
  • Ivan's Childhood (chosen by Robbie Collin)
  • The Survivalist
  • The Ninth Configuration
  • Ran
  • Room
  • Creed
  • Rams
  • The Revenant (chosen by James King)
  • Our Little Sister
  • Trumbo (chosen by James King)
  • I Am Belfast
  • Son of Saul
  • Hail, Caesar!
  • High-Rise
  • Zootropolis
  • A Kind of Loving (chosen by Robbie Collin)

Theme Music

Theme from Prisoner on Second Avenue
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The backing music for this segment is Theme from Prisoner on Second Avenue by The James Last Orchestra, from the LP James Last in Los Angeles: The Legendary 1975 Record Plant Studio Sessions.

Beyond being the DVD of the Week music this refrain has now also been used as a bed for introducing the players over the tannoy at a Greenock Morton football game by Disco Dave the announcer.

A remix of the theme tune was created by Alex Hewitt and played on the show on 25th March 2016. You can find it [here].