Lady In The Water

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"Intergalactically poor – like watching a director committing hari-kiri on screen, standing in a cinema, pouring petrol over their head and setting fire to themselves; a whole career going down in flames in the sheer awfulness of it all" - Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5live

Alleged fairy tale by M Night-To-Remember Shalamar. Involves the actors saying things like "the narf is coming out of the tree followed by the scrunt, but the iggldy-piggldy is hiding in the biddly-bong, and after a while the Eagle Of Doom..." - at which point Mark found himself saying "shut up, shut up, shut up."

Mark also pondered the thought process of the director, who appears in a major role in the film: "Who shall I get for this Christ-like role? Shall I cast Mel Gibson? No, he’s busy. Laurence Olivier? No, he’s dead. I know! I’ll cast myself!"