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Scottish musical instrument / weapon of mass destruction.

Mark Kermode is very keen on the instrument, and spent much time learning to play it ahead of a Culture Show special about Local Hero (indeed, he used it as his excuse that week for not having seen a number of the films in the Box Office Top 10, specifically Easy Virtue). The subsequent events were witnessed by one Wittertainee named Rachael George in Glasgow, who described the reaction following the live performance as being one of complete crowd silence. "Whether this indicated mute horror or complete indifference was unclear, but I sensed Mark's disappointment," George added. The final Culture Show piece showed applause and cheering, but this was only because another take had had to be shot in which the crowd reacted with the appropriate appreciation.

For New Year's Eve in 2008 into 2009, Mark stood outside and played the new year in on his bagpipes. He had thought the whole street would come out and applaud.

It didn't.