Martin in Old Portsmouth
Martin in Old Portsmouth, BDS VU Manc is a former regular correspondent to the Film Review Show, who always began his contributions with "Dear Simon and Sprout Boy". His florid descriptions of Kermodian rants were packed with references to urchins, gruel and a volcano known as "Mount Kermode" which was always set to explode with "pyroclastic flows of critical bile" (such as after seeing the poster for The Edge Of Love).
When Angry Shrek was on release, for example, Martin submitted: "I'm looking forward to the normally mild-mannered man who, when he gets angry, changes - turning into a roaring monster incapable of coherent speech, ripping his clothes and casting cars and trucks asunder, terrifying the populous. And especially his review of The Incredible Hulk. Boom and, if you will, tish."
Martin was a dentist, and when Mark described Three And Out as being about as funny as root canal work, he wrote in to point out that his root canal work was in fact very funny, because he told his patients jokes or played them the podcast.
Martin also ran an office at one point, and when one of his employees went to see Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End and described it as "great, if not quite as good as the Black Pearl," Martin decided he would have to sack her and wrote to Mark asking for support at any future employment tribunal. Although he vigorous declared he was totally prepared to go to court to fight, given Mark's previous record of giving testimony, it is likely the woman in question would have received a promotion.
It was Martin who invented the Mark Kermode Drinking Game.
When St Trinian's was released in 2007, Martin wrote in again hoping that the movie would be confirmed by Mark as a Good Film, so that he could see it legitimately and not be one of the "bunch of leering pervies who want to go and lech at a bunch of women dressed as schoolgirls wearing all stockings and suspenders and that." Sadly, it wasn't.